Updated: Dec 12, 2022
I have this overwhelming, deep desire to feel special. Well...I think it's more than a desire. It's a need. I so desperately need to feel that way that I unconsciously put myself into situations where I sabotage myself; more so my state of mind.
Let's start with my choice in men. I keep attracting men who are emotionally unavailable, emotionally manipulative, or emotionally unstable. God and the universe are clearly trying to teach me a lesson because this keeps. on. happening. I keep getting sent the same guy but in a different body.
Then I go down the spiral of self harm thoughts. "I must be unlovable. There must be something wrong with me. Why do I keep getting treated like crap? Why don't they treat me like they like me/love me? Why do I feel worse about myself when I'm with them? Why do I feel drained? Why do I always feel on edge?"
So I asked myself, "Why does this keep happening?" It's the same thing over and over again. But what's the same variable in every situationship? Well, shit. It's me.
I have a deep desire to want to be the one that saves them, that changes them....but why?? Because it would make me feel special.
Then there is my love for acting. There's several reasons why I love acting and why I am pursuing that as my career. I love being able to transform into multiple different characters with different emotions, careers, family, environment, relationships, etc. I love being able to make someone else feel something with the art that I am vulnerably creating. This, to me, is the closest form of magic that God gave us: the emotional capacity to be able to make someone else feel something. The magical part about this is that we can make someone feel something through a screen and be able to touch another human being thousands of miles away. That's magic.
I love Halloween, anything witchy, Harry Potter, astrology, horoscopes, tarot cards, psychics, crystals....this all falls under the magical umbrella. And so does the performance of acting. It only makes sense that I have the calling to be an actress and share my experiences with the world. But what also makes sense is that performing for the world also will make me feel special.
What does have a desire to save someone and loving to perform for the masses have in common? They are both external forces. I am seeking externals for validation when I need to be seeking internally. So how do I do this...
Through my continuing health challenges and the recent loss of my mom, my only parent, I find it almost impossible to feel whole again. Maybe I'm just in a funk right now...
I love helping people and caring for them and nurturing them, but I cannot sacrifice my own happiness and wellbeing.
I just want to be seen and heard so bad....but why?