This is a phrase that I've been hearing the last few weeks, particularly last night when I was out a party. "You're really coming into your own." What does that mean?! 🤔🤔
My friend Tarik, someone from my acting class, who is quite talented, especially with his writing abilities, told me that I was "glowing" and "blossoming". I didn't really realize I was, but apparently it shows.
I've had so much trouble with my self-confidence for many reasons:
1.) My ex, whom I gave everything to and loved with every ounce of my being, never really appreciated me, treated me like I was an option and like I was disposable, and who attacked my appearance saying at least his new girlfriend/fiancé "has an ass" and something he "can grab onto" and how she has boobs and I don't...Those words haunt me. Even as I was typing it out, I had to take a moment because I couldn't see the screen anymore. It still hurts me to my core. The parts of me that he knew I was most insecure with...he sure showed me, didn't he?
2.) So not only am I insecure with the fact that I'm not voluptuous and feel like I'm not attractive because of it, I'm also going through a terrible period of hormonal acne. I know that may not seem like a big deal, but with the business I'm in, my face is everything. Unfortunate part is, is that there is nothing I can do except wait it out. I'm doing everything I can. I've switched birth controls, I use a probiotic face wash, and I take a probiotic pill along with a multivitamin and Vitamin A.
I'm the type of girl who doesn't mind not wearing makeup, but since this flair up that started a few months ago, I rely on it. Sure the makeup takes away the redness, but it doesn't hide those bumps. I don't even want to get within a few inches of someone when talking to them because I'm embarrassed to even look them in the eye. I'm also too self-conscious to even take a picture, let alone a high definition one. 🙅🏽♀️
3.) Then there are is the constant dark, purple coloring underneath my eyes. I'm learning to be okay with it because this too is out of my control. They didn't always use to be this way, and I feel like it makes me look much older than I am, and it makes me look like I haven't slept in years.
From what I was told by my doctor, this coloring is due to the intense health trauma my body has experienced within the last three years. With all the health issues I have had, it's only natural it caused stress on my body. But I tell myself I am a survivor, and those marks underneath my eyes are due to the battle I've been through just trying to stay alive.
4.) My last insecurity is my hair. You're probably thinking, "Huh??" I've been told since I was younger that I have such thick, beautiful hair...well I did. Not many people know this because I hide it pretty well, but because of the anti rejection medication I'm on, I lost a significant amount of hair, and I currently have a patch of hair growing in at the very top of my head where a bald spot used to be.
Whatever the female version of feeling "emasculated" is, well that's how I feel when it comes to my hair. I have to constantly have at least some of it pulled back so that nothing shows. It will be a very long time before that hair grows out to a decent length, and then I can get it cut and styled in a way where it all blends in.
So when Tarik told me last night that he could see me becoming more confident with myself, I was honestly caught of guard. I asked him what made him say that, and he said, "I see your Instagram posts."
He was speaking of this picture from a few weeks ago on September 3rd.
I literally laughed and said, "It's easy to post a picture."
I was being quite honest too. It's like sometimes I do recognize my own beauty, but then other times I don't. That's where the insecurities creeps in and comes into play.
Tarik was telling me to own it and not give a shit what other people think. Some good advice I must say.
I realize that I really do need to own it. I guess I just doubt myself. I have been going to the gym and do have a personal trainer, and guess what? Guess who's got an ass now. And actually working for it and gaining muscle instead of it being all cellulite like some people...Well, the reward is that much sweeter because I literally work my ass off instead of sitting around eating all day, which is how some people get their ass in the first place. ✌🏾
I'm taking over, so watch me shine. 😘
💕