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Woke Up Feeling Like the Nine of Swords

Updated: Sep 17, 2018

This is not how I wanted to start my first blog post. This is not the subject I wanted to talk about first. I actually wanted to blog about my experience performing on stage for the first time, but feels are feels, and I'm certainly in my feels right now, even though I don't want to be.

For those of you who are familiar with tarot cards, I woke up around 2 a.m. feeling exactly like this:

I know typically people don't tend to want to read about sad things or woe is me sort of posts, but this is for me to vent and get my feelings out there. If it's not something you're interested, Kindly leave my page.

I woke up, and my immediate thought was about him. Usually when I think about him, the tears stream down my face uncontrollably and without fail. It's been almost six months since the dramatic downfall between us, the "Tower card" moment if you will. It was a very traumatic experience for me. Did the separation need to happen? Yes. Did it need to end in the way that it did? Absolutely not.

What happened was completely unfair and unjustifiable. I did not deserve what happened whatsoever. So then why I am the one who is experiencing emotional turmoil? There is no exaggeration here. I am truly suffering on the inside.

I keep thinking to myself, "How does he not care about me at all? How does he not care what happened to us? Did I really mean nothing to him at all? How is it that he's all happy and living life without a care in the world while I'm over here suffering?"

Did I make mistakes in the relationship? Yes. Was I a saint in the relationship? Nope. Was this all my fault like he's telling everyone it is? Most certainly not.

We had a very intense relationship that turned toxic because of all the passion we had for one another. We both had issues that we were aware of, but not aware to the point where we sought out help. We were both stubborn when it came to that.

I find myself wanting to reconcile so bad. I find myself wanting to explain my actions in hopes that he'll understand. I find myself wanting to know the truth on his end as well. It is all so confusing and makes no sense to me...

He's the only person I've given my mind, body, heart and soul to. We both have made some really bad mistakes, but because I put so much of myself into the relationship and gave it my absolute all, I know this pain will never fully go away. Especially knowing that I meant absolutely nothing to him, I know my heart will never completely heal.



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